


can I go where you go?

by lefargen



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: 25 lives AU, Angst with a Happy Ending, Assassins & Hitmen, Fluff and Angst, Gangs, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Infidelity, M/M, Non-Graphic Violence, Recreational Drug Use, Terminal Illnesses, but i promise its actually a sweet fic, i know the tags seem intense, the nomin is slow burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-14
Updated: 2019-12-14
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:02:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21704170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lefargen/pseuds/lefargen
Summary: It takes Jeno and Jaemin quite a few lifetimes to realize that they don't have to compete to win Renjun's love... maybe, just maybe, the universe fated them as three.or: a norenmin 25 lives au
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno, Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin, Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin, Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Comments: 29
Kudos: 471
Collections: ’00 FIC FEST: ROUND ONE





	can I go where you go?

**Author's Note:**

> this is for prompt #00159 for 00ff. i just want to thank the original prompter so much, because this story quickly turned into my favorite thing that i have ever written. i hope you all enjoy it just as much <3

The first life Jeno spends with Renjun, he has jet black hair and he’s loved him for as long as he can remember. It’s a hard life, one full of grief, and sorrow, and pain, but Jeno thinks its all worth it if he gets to spend everyday taking care of Renjun. 

There are seven of them in the orphanage. Mark and Donghyuck share a small bedroom on the second floor, just big enough for two twin beds and a dresser with two drawers; one for each of them. Jisung and Chenle, the youngest of the group, sleep in a tiny cupboard where they share one bed and one shelf. 

Jeno sleeps in the attic with Renjun and Jaemin. It’s dusty, which is bad for Renjun’s asthma, but Jeno and Jaemin try to make it as livable as possible. They spend a lot of time up there after all, especially when Renjun is sick, which is incredibly often. 

Renjun is small and frail, has been for his entire life, and he gets sick easily as a result of it. The doctor told him that he’d be lucky to live past his 12th birthday. He’s 16 now, and Jeno thanks God for every extra minute he’s been given with the boy. 

Everytime Renjun gets sick, Jaemin and Jeno are the ones who try to nurse him back to health. Sometimes it gets so bad that they call a priest to come say the rosary, but each time so far Renjun has managed to push through. 

When his fever goes down and his breathing returns to normal, Jaemin and Jeno look at each other with relief and sigh deeply. They don’t know how many more illnesses they’ll be able to help him through, but as long as Renjun keeps fighting, they’ll be right there by his side. 

It’s a particularly warm summer day when the entire squad decides to go down to the beach. Renjun is feeling healthy again, and no one wants to miss out on an opportunity to have fun as the seven of them for the first time since the cold, dreary winter took Renjun (and Jeno and Jaemin by default) away from them. 

Jeno was the one who planned the outing, but now that they’ve arrived at their destination, he can’t help but think he has made a mistake. Despite being surrounded by all of his closest friends, he can’t seem to focus on anything other than the way Renjun is absolutely glowing under the crisp summer sun. 

Jeno sits beside Donghyuck as he rambles on about something Mark did earlier in the week, and he tries to pay attention, he really does. But how can he focus on his best friend (other than Renjun of course, but Renjun has always been different), when the love of his life is glowing, head thrown back in laughter at something Jaemin said to him.

“And so I told Mark that I really don’t care- wait you aren’t even listening,” Donghyuck calls Jeno out, indicating that he has been caught red-handed. 

“Jeno you look like a lovesick puppy, how much longer are you going to endure being hopelessly in love with Renjun without confessing to him?” he asks, incredibly blunt as always. 

Jeno struggles for an answer, mostly because he doesn’t have one. Donghyuck hesitates, before stating the obvious, “I just don’t want anything to happen to him and then for you to be stuck with what-ifs. Are you worried about Jaemin? Is that it?” he asks, and Jeno is taken aback a little. 

Because he isn’t worried about Jaemin, or how he would perceive their relationship at all. The boy makes Renjun incredibly happy, and takes care of him as well as Jeno can if not better. Jeno may be selfish with Renjun, wanting to keep him to himself forever to protect him from harm, but he could never isolate him from someone who makes him so damn happy. 

“As long as Renjun is happy, then I’m happy. And I don’t feel the need to confess if I’m being honest. I don’t know how much time I have left with Renjun, and, well… I think it would really hurt to start something with him knowing he can’t finish it.” Donghyuck nods in understanding and the day continues on without any additional deep, depressing conversations. 

The day is jam-packed with activities, and Jeno spends the entire day laughing. All of them go into the water except Mark, who gets dragged in eventually by Donghyuck anyway. When they get out, they play a game of beach volleyball, which ends in Jaemin and Chenle getting way too competitive, ultimately losing to Renjun and Donghyuck who don’t even care about their victory. 

It isn’t until they are all gathered around a table at a small beach shack, ordering greasy food to satisfy their empty stomachs, that Jeno lets himself reflect on what a wonderful day it’s been. He’s surrounded by the closest thing to family he’s ever had, and for the time being, everyone is happy and healthy. That is enough for Jeno to feel like the happiest person in the entire world. 

Once the clouds start gathering overhead, they decide to head back to the orphanage. They’ve had a full day of fun anyway, and are feeling pretty tired from all of the activity.

Jeno is walking a couple of paces ahead of everyone, lost in his thoughts when he feels a pinky reach out and grab onto his own. He looks over and sees Renjun walking alongside of him, matching his pace easily despite having slightly shorter legs. 

“I wanted to thank you for planning today. I think it might have been the funnest day I’ve ever had,” Renjun admits, small smile gracing his face. “Even if you were being annoying about me putting on sunscreen every half hour.”

Jeno laughs softly at the snarky comment, “I just wanted to make sure your skin was protected is that so wrong? Where there is a Renjun, there is also a Jeno trying to protect him. That’s just the way our roles are with each other,” Jeno jokes back, even though they both know that in all cases outside of physical illness Renjun is perfectly capable of taking care of himself. 

“You know sometimes I wonder why I got dealt this life. Why I was destined to be perpetually sick and live a sad, miserable experience without even having a family to care for me. And then I have days like this where I spend it with you all and suddenly I don’t feel so sorry for myself. Because I’d choose this life a thousand times over if it meant you guys would always be by my side,” Renjun admits softly, swinging their hands between them. 

“I’d choose it too,” Jeno admits, voice hoarse with emotion. “I would choose you over everything, even if it meant choosing the pain too. It’s worth it to me. It’s always going to be worth it to me.”

Renjun turns to look at him, eyes glossy, reminding him of a time when they were younger and Renjun got bullied by a neighborhood boy for being small. They were probably only 6 or 7 years old at the time but the moment left a big impression on Jeno. 

The boy called Renjun a tiny baby, and Renjun reached right over and punched the bully in the face. Jeno was so shocked by the action that he misinterpreted how Renjun was feeling. He assumed that Renjun didn’t care what the boy thought about him, but when Jeno looked closer, the tears in Renjun’s eyes told a different story. 

It was Jaemin who reached out and pulled the boy into a hug, asking him why was crying when he had been the one who won the fight. “Because I am still in pain and it’s okay to feel sad sometimes,” he shrugged off. 

It wasn’t a profound moment or anything but it stuck with Jeno, made it easier to deal with all of Renjun’s near-death experiences. When he was by Renjun’s bedside nursing him back to health, he allowed himself to feel upset about the pain he was feeling. And looking back, Renjun’s first moment of emotional vulnerability might have been when Jeno first fell in love with him, impressed with his bold nature and how it contrasted with himself, a much more reserved person. 

The exact date didn’t matter to Jeno, though. As far as he is concerned, he’s loved Renjun for his entire life, the feeling coming as naturally as breathing to him. He is so deep in his Renjun feelings as he walks home with him, that he almost doesn’t notice the first drops of rain. 

Once he does however, worry strikes him immediately, and he tugs Renjun’s hand to pull him faster (not too fast, however, because that could trigger an asthma attack). The last thing Jeno wants is for Renjun to catch a cold and get sick, especially considering how well the boy is currently doing. 

-

But things don’t always work out the way Jeno would hope. A few days later, Renjun gets pneumonia. They all know that this is time is different from other illnesses, this one is far worse. This one is the last. 

The seven of them stay by Renjun’s bedside all day, their caregiver and doctor coming in and out, both giving the boys space once they’ve realized there is nothing more that can be done. Once it gets late, Mark, Donghyuck, Chenle, and Jisung all leave the attic to go to bed. 

They all say long, drawn-out goodbyes, each of them hyper-aware that by the time they wake up, they probably won’t have their best friend here with them anymore. Jeno and Jaemin stay like always. 

Jeno sits on Renjun’s right side, pinkies linked like always, while Jaemin sits on the right with his hand firmly intertwined, as if he is scared about the consequences of letting go. The mood in the air is somber, and no one seems able to find the right words for the situation. 

“I love you,” Jeno finally blurts out, unable to contain it any longer. He looks over at Renjun is desperation, hoping he understands the extent to which Jeno means the statement. As in, Jeno is trying to tell him that Renjun is the love of his life, the only one who could ever hold his heart. 

Renjun nods slightly, body weak and unable to provide much more of a reaction. “I love you too,” he whispers back. “I love both of you,” he replies with such strong conviction, that it shows at the very least, Renjun knows that the two boys with him care about him more than anyone or anything else on earth. 

“I love you too, baby,” Jaemin says, bringing his hand that is attached to Renjun’s up to his face so he can kiss it. Tears are flowing down his face, prompting Renjun’s next comment. 

“I wish I had more time with you both. I wish it didn’t have to end like this and we could live together until we are old and bald,” he admits, voice getting weaker with each sentence. 

At this, Jeno finally breaks as well, tears flowing fast down his face. “We’ll find you again. I promise you, that no matter what comes next, we will find you. I will _always_ come back to you, Injunnie,” Jeno says, and he has never meant anything more in his life. 

Renjun nods, and they all cry freely. Jeno can tell that Renjun is in a great deal of pain, but he is fighting it, trying to stay strong for just a little bit longer for the two of them. Jaemin must notice too, because he is the one who finally speaks up. 

“I know you’re in a lot of pain Injunnie, and you want to be strong for us, but it’s okay to let go, angel. You must be so tired, but it’s okay. I promise everything will be alright sweetie, you can rest now,” Jaemin says quietly, but strongly, tears rushing down his cheeks. 

Jeno wants to scream the opposite. He wants to be selfish and make Renjun keep fighting for as long as possible so that they can have more time together. But he knows that Jaemin is right, that what he is doing is incredibly hard but necessary to put Renjun out of pain. 

“I love you both,” Renjun says one more time, the three of them sitting in silence as Jaemin rubs a thumb over his knuckles, and Jeno strokes his hair. They stay in that position until, a few minutes later, Renjun takes his very last breath. 

-

The aftermath of Renjun’s death leaves Jeno feeling completely numb, as if he’d had a limb removed, a limb he can still feel with him sometimes. He tries to live life as he normally would but it never becomes easier. 

Especially when, a year after Renjun’s death, Jaemin commits suicide. He had never been able to get over Renjun’s death, and to be honest, Jeno isn’t that surprised. They both loved Renjun more than anything left on this earth anyway. 

10 months after Jaemin’s death, Jeno joins the military. He’s killed two years later in a bunker overseas. As he breathing starts to slow, he takes one last look around, at the world as he knows it in this life, and closes his eyes, already dreaming of a delicate pinky that fits perfectly when wrapped around his own. 

⚘

Jeno’s next life is a lot different from his previous one. For starters, he isn’t an orphan. He has a family that loves him dearly: two parents and an older brother. He also lives in a spacious apartment, where he has his own room. But one thing remains constant; Jeno is irrevocably, unwaveringly in love with Renjun. 

The only problem is, he hasn’t found him yet. It’s not for a lack of trying, because Jeno spends his entire childhood looking for Renjun in every crowded room and open street. He’s constantly on guard, afraid he’ll miss him by an hour, a minute, a second. Part of him, an ugly, self-doubting part, tells him that Renjun might not even exist in this lifetime. 

By the time Jeno makes it to college, he has pretty much lost all hope at the chance that he’ll find Renjun again. Jeno had hoped that the universe would fight for their souls to be together, but he’s starting to believe that destiny doesn’t allow for second chances. 

That is until he finds him. 

-

Jeno meets Renjun for the second time in an entry level political science class. Renjun is opinionated and sharp-tongued, with wide-rim glasses and blonde hair. Jeno wonders if the color of his hair means anything, if it’s a sign that this is the lifetime where Renjun loves him back, but he doesn’t dwell on. It’s such an arbitrary thing anyway, and Renjun is beautiful no matter what his hair is like. 

Most importantly though, this Renjun is healthy. He lives life completely independently, no longer plagued by the illnesses that limited his quality of life previously. Jeno hopes that even if they don’t end up together in this lifetime, that Renjun will get to live a long, healthy life regardless. 

(Though Jeno _really_ hopes they end up together this time.)

By another stroke of luck, Renjun and Jeno are placed in the same discussion group. Jeno gets to know Renjun quite intimately during the lessons, and finds him falling in love with the way Renjun expresses his opinions so openly. (Anti-war, pro-LGBT, hater of Milton Friedman.)

Renjun seems to have taken a liking to Jeno as well, mostly due to the fact that Jeno enthusiastically agrees with every point he makes in class. This leads to study sessions outside of class together, where Jeno learns even more about Renjun. (His hometown, his coffee order, his love for drawing.)

As the semester comes to an end, Jeno knows he has to work up the courage to ask Renjun out. They’ve yet to hangout outside of the class that they share and their study dates, and Jeno is worried that the blonde boy will forget about him once they no longer have a shared curriculum binding them together. 

He does it when they’re holed up in the library writing their essays side by side, both needing the other to provide a second opinion on their work before submission. “Hey,” Jeno bridges the subject. “We should keep hanging out after this class ends. Maybe we could get lunch after our last class on Wednesday?” he suggests, heart beating fast in his chest as he waits for a response. 

“Sure,” Renjun says immediately, causing a massive grin to overtake Jeno’s face. That is, until Renjun drops a ball on him. “Can my boyfriend come?” 

Jeno, despite being both shocked and heartbroken, agrees anyway. Mostly to maintain his relationship with Renjun, but also to scope out the competition. Jeno’s decided that he isn’t going to do anything to actively break up Renjun’s relationship, he has no problem waiting for it to fizzle out on it’s own. After all, Jeno’s waited a lifetime and a half, so waiting out a couple more months for a mediocre college relationship is nothing.

After their last class together, Renjun and Jeno walk to the campus restaurant together, both comparing essay grades and complaining over their professor’s harshness. Jeno’s so lost in Renjun that he almost forgets they’re meeting someone else.

But reality hits Jeno straight in the face when they get to the restaurant and a familiar face rushes over to them, pecking Renjun on the lips before turning to greet Jeno. Jeno doesn’t need an introduction, however, because the person standing in front of him is none other than Na Jaemin. 

Jaemin doesn’t know that they’ve met before, and Jeno surely can’t explain that they were best friends in a past lifetime, so he makes an effort to pretend this is their first meeting. 

Watching Renjun and Jaemin interact as a couple is unnerving for Jeno. It makes Jeno wonder if their closeness in the past was a result of unaddressed romantic feelings, but he doesn’t let himself dwell on it. Jeno doesn’t think the universe would bring him to Renjun again if they weren’t meant to be together. 

Jeno can’t deny that Jaemin is good for Renjun, though. He takes care of the smaller boy just as Jeno remembers, and it eases the worry he feels for the boy. And so, as time goes on, Jeno adopts the best friend role instead; a role he’s quite familiar with. 

Sure it hurts, but Jaemin makes Renjun so happy that even Jeno isn’t selfish enough to break them up. He continues on loving Renjun from afar, not the way he wants, but the way he is most familiar with. 

And when, years in the future, Jaemin proposes to Renjun, Jeno agrees to be Renjun’s best man. It’s bittersweet watching the two get married, but they are so good together, and Jeno knows the only one he trusts to take care of Renjun as well as he can is Jaemin. 

As Jaemin and Renjun stand up on the altar, making promises to each other while their hands are entertwined, Jeno makes a promise of his own. He’s going to find Renjun again, and this time, he isn’t going to let him go. 

⚘

Luckily for Jeno, in his next life he finds Renjun right away. They’re childhood friends, meeting at the park when they are four years old. Renjun obsesses over the fact that they are exactly one month apart in age, and Jeno just laughs because that seems to be a constant in every lifetime. 

Jeno indulges Renjun in whatever plans he wants to make, and Renjun goes along with all of Jeno’s terrible ideas (before they grow up and realize they are terrible ideas). Every second together is both a thrilling adventure and a calm oasis. Like jumping and knowing there is always going to be someone there to catch your fall. 

When they are thirteen, Renjun confronts Jeno, insecure about the fact that he has never kissed anyone before. “What if someone tries to kiss me and I’m bad at it?” he asks anxiously, fiddling with the sleeves of his oversized sweater. He looks so soft, and cuddly, and warm and Jeno just wants to protect him from any harm that may come his way. 

“Well,” Jeno begins, feeling particularly bold, “We could practice if you want?” he suggests. And to his surprise Renjun agrees readily, and before he knows it, he is pushing his lips gently against the love of his lives. 

To be honest, Renjun kind of _is_ a bad kisser, and Jeno has a feeling that he himself isn’t much better. But despite the way their noses bump slightly and the influx of saliva that Jeno doesn’t know what to do with, it’s absolutely perfect. 

Jeno has been waiting lifetimes for this, and now that it’s finally happening, he doesn’t quite know what to do with himself. They pull away from each other with wide eyes, a string of spit connecting them, causing them to giggle when it finally breaks. 

“Um,” Renjun stutters, making Jeno worry that perhaps their actions had made things between them awkward. Before his anxiety can properly manifest however, Renjun speaks up again, “I think we are going to need some more practice.” And that’s all it takes for Jeno to dive back in. 

They continue on with their kissing lessons for about a year, nothing formal changing between the two. It isn’t until they get invited to their first high school party that Jeno finally has the courage to make a move. Because if he doesn’t make things official with Renjun, someone else could swoop in and kiss him, and Jeno doesn’t think he can take the heartbreak. Jeno has waited lifetimes to be with Renjun and he is not waiting a second longer. 

Confessing to Renjun ends up being more anticlimactic than Jeno originally planned, but Jeno wouldn’t change a thing. After he told Renjun that he liked (loved, technically) him and wanted to date him, Renjun just giggled, smiling brightly, before muttering “I thought you’d never ask dummy.”

They arrive at the party later that night, pinkies linked, announcing to everyone that they belong to each other. To their surprise, no one is shocked. Even strangers can tell by the way they look at each other that their souls are deeply intertwined. 

From there, things progress naturally. They go to Prom, graduate high school, attend college together. They start their careers, and get married, and raise children. Through every accomplishment and every heartbreak, they remain loyally by each other’s side. 

It’s the first full life that Jeno gets to live with Renjun, and its everything he has ever dreamed of. But like every good thing in life, it has to come to an end. Renjun dies at the tender age of 94, Jeno following him just hours later. They did everything together in this life, it only made sense that universe would decide to take them at the same time too. 

After that, Jeno becomes desperate. Every lifetime he lives, he spends it checking over his shoulder, looking for him. Sometimes they meet and fall in love. Sometimes Renjun is already taken and living happily without him. More times than not, if Renjun doesn’t fall in love with him, he ends up with Jaemin. It makes Jeno’s bones ache with jealousy, but he’d never deprive Renjun of the happiness the other boy seems to provide him. 

Besides, Jeno knows full well that the lifetimes when Renjun is not his are amazing compared to the lifetimes where he doesn’t find him at all. The lifetimes where Jeno waits patiently, where his pinky aches for a phantom finger to wrap around it. 

There are inbetweens as well. Sometimes they just barely meet, before they are forced to separate once more. Jeno knows deep down, that the universe if fighting for their souls to be together. But he also knows that they aren’t exempt from happenstance and the harsh realities of the world that naturally try to separate them. 

Sometimes they meet when they are babies, and sometimes they meet when they are old and need walkers to get around anywhere. Sometimes Renjun has black hair and other times it’s red or blonde, or grey or purple. Variables change with every lifetime, but even in lifetimes where Renjun doesn’t exist one thing remains constant: Jeno is desperately in love with him. 

So across every lifetime Jeno chases. And sometimes, he is lucky enough to catch. But never, not once, does he give up. 

⚘

Another lifetime comes, and Jeno is back to protecting Renjun within an inch of his life. Because when you’re at war, you find yourself in a lot of dangerous situations, and Renjun is stupidly brave in his quest to complete missions. 

Jeno and Renjun are complete opposites in a lot of ways in this lifetime. Jeno was drafted, had no desire to go overseas and fight for the greater good. He is the type to avoid conflict, to let others deal with overlaying problems while he remains neutral. 

Renjun, however, is a fighter by nature. He isn’t driven by spite, or violence, or even vengeance. He signed up for the war effort simply because he wanted to fight for a cause bigger than himself. He doesn’t see the enemy as something to be destroyed, rather something to be reformed. 

It’s in basic training that they meet, with a few familiar faces from previous lifetimes. There is Lucas, who was once Jeno’s college roommate, and another time his boss. There’s also Doyoung, who has been his brother a dozen or so times. But most notably, Jaemin is there as well. 

Jaemin’s story is different as well. He comes from a long line of military officers turned dazzling politicians. Jaemin, though not interested in war specifically, is thinking only about his political future and how his military resume can boost him in polls down the line. 

However, once they get deployed, it's very easy to see how his priorities shift. He forgoes a cushy, non-dangerous roll working in an office far away from conflict zones to ensure that he can be in the same platoon as them. Or more specifically, Renjun. 

The two of them fall into their usual routine quite easily, both fighting subtly for the place of Renjun’s right hand man. Renjun, doesn’t notice or appreciate their efforts often, fully capable of handling things on his own. 

It’s a stark difference to the first Renjun Jeno remembers, the one who needed to be placed on bedrest when he so much as had a cold. This Renjun is much stronger, both physically and mentally, but it doesn’t make Jeno feel any better knowing he is directly in harm's way every day. 

They’ve had a lot of close calls. Renjun getting too close to a hand grenade, Jaemin barely missing a bullet, Jeno getting stuck in mud in the middle of a battle. But with the three of them looking out for each other, they manage to survive day by day. 

Something about war changes Jeno, in a way he will probably feel for lifetimes to come. It also strengthened his bond with both Renjun and Jaemin in ways he didn’t know was possible. 

Renjun is his soulmate, destined to be the love of his life in every lifetime that Jeno exists in. Jaemin, however, Jeno learns is a constant as well. Jeno realizes by observing the way that Jaemin sticks loyally by Renjun’s side, and the way that he supports Jeno as well, that he is fated to them as well. As a best friend. 

And when it’s cold at night, and they are huddled in the trenches dug in a country that is foreign to them in every way, Jeno wishes that Jaemin would understand his place as _best friend_ and stop hogging Renjun. 

Renjun is conveniently small in this lifetime (similarly to most lifetimes Jeno notes), which makes him perfect for missions where they need someone to sneak into tight places. But it also means he gets colder a lot easier than the rest of them. And as Renjun’s official soulmate graced by the universe itself, Jeno thinks he should be the one that gets to keep the petite boy warm. 

Sometimes they tug Renjun back and forth like they are playing tug-of-war, and Renjun is the rope, and he only pretends to annoyed. 

Renjun is quite fond of them both, to be honest. Probably too fond by standards defined by the military, but Renjun doesn’t care. He isn’t much of a rule follower, and he isn't going to limit himself to a dull existence when he doesn’t know for sure how much time they have left. 

Jeno catches Renjun’s warm smiles sometimes, and the way his eyes seem to linger for a second too long when looking at him. He thinks when they get back home, he is going to confess to the boy, daydreams about elaborate confirmations of love, the type that make middle aged women weep into their romance novels. 

He never gets the chance to make the daydreams a reality, however. They hear the rumbling from overhead one night in the trenches and immediately know what it means. _Air Strike._

He makes eye contact with Jaemin and sees sheer panic written across his face, like he hadn’t even thought of the possibility that his life could come to an end so soon. Renjun, however, looks scarily calm, like he doesn’t mind dying if it’s for a cause he believes in. 

There isn’t much they can do. There isn’t any time for grand confessions, or end-of-your-life reflections. Jeno sighs deeply, taking a deep breath, before he reaches out and latches onto Renjun’s pinky. He looks over and sees Renjun’s other hand preoccupied by how tightly Jaemin is gripping it. 

It’s how this lifetime ends for them. Much too young, and incredibly unfulfilled, but together. And though it isn’t much, Jeno is grateful for that small mercy. 

⚘

After that, Jeno spends a few lifetimes just barely missing Renjun. If the universe was fighting actively to keep them together, it now seems as though it’s fighting to keep them apart. 

One time Jeno is hanging out at the airport, waiting to catch a flight to Bangkok for an important business meeting, when he hears a message over the intercom. 

“Huang Renjun. Huang Renjun. Please head to your gate, your flight to Beijing will be taking off shortly.” 

Jeno knows its him immediately, can sense his presence like a phantom limb. He rushes to the display board, looking for flights to Beijing. When he finds it, he runs to it, unsure of what he is going to do or say when he gets there. All he knows is that he has to see him. 

When he gets to the gate, there is one customer service representative standing there, the door leading to the airplane already closed. 

“Excuse me?” Jeno asks tentatively. “Was there a Huang Renjun that passed through here? He’s an old friend of mine,” he lies easily (though is it even technically a lie?)

“Yes, he made it just in time. The gate has closed already though. I’m sorry but you’ll have to connect with him at a later date,” she smiles before shutting off her computer and walking away. 

Jeno walks away thoroughly disappointed but with a plan in place. While in Bangkok, he asks his boss if there are any openings in China. He moves to Beijing a month later. 

Beijing is a massive city, but it’s the only knowledge Jeno has that connects him to Renjun. But years pass, and Jeno doesn’t find another trace of the boy. It isn’t until he turns forty that he finally goes back to Korea, having been diagnosed with cancer and wanting to be home to receive his treatment. 

Jeno only lasts one year before his disease becomes too much for his weak body. He dies alone. 

⚘

The next lifetime isn’t much better. Jeno catches a glimpse of Renjun boarding a train. He notices the boy first, and his companion second. Jaemin has his hand wrapped tightly around Renjun’s waist as he guides him to his seat. 

Jeno makes brief eye contact with Jaemin, who seems to give him a subtle nod in response. Jeno is sure he is just imagining it, but he isn’t positive because his eyes are back on Renjun immediately. 

The whole moment lasts less than a minute, because just as soon as Renjun entered his life, he is leaving again on a train going god knows where. Jeno wants to scream in frustration at the situation, but resigns to going home and crying into a pint of ice cream. He doesn’t end up finding him again for several more lifetimes. 

⚘

Once Jeno finds Renjun again, he vows to not let him go. He’s missed him so much in the lifetimes he had lived without him, so he uses the one thing he’s been given in this life to lure the boy in: money. 

Jeno never thought that he would become a sugar daddy, much less at the age of 22, but he’ll take any title as long as it means getting close to Renjun. 

It was quite a shock to college student Renjun when multi-millionaire business mogul Lee Jeno walked into the bookstore where he worked as a cashier. It was an even bigger shock, when said multi-millionaire business mogul offered him his number. 

Renjun was hesitant to call the number, unsure of what Jeno wanted from him of all people. Part of him was worried that it was all a prank for a new TV show titled “Millionaires Pranking the Poor!” or something equally as ridiculous. Or maybe the number was connected to Jeno’s lawyer and he was suing Renjun for making eye contact with him. 

But curiosity got the better of Renjun, and before he knew it he was dialling the number (which led to Lee Jeno’s personal cell phone) and was setting up a date. 

And, let’s just say, Jeno gave Renjun an offer he couldn’t refuse. 

“So uh, do you want me to call you Daddy?” Renjun asks awkwardly, sitting across from Jeno in his posh home office, contract already faxed to his lawyer. 

“Umm… well…” Jeno begins, unsure of how to answer the question. Because to be honest, he _doesn't_ want Renjun to call him daddy, but if that was some sort of kink that the other boy had, Jeno didn’t want to push him away by refusing to indulge him. “You can call me whatever you want. Whatever you’re comfortable with. If you’re happy, then I’m happy. Haha,” he finishes awkwardly. 

Renjun giggles at the response, blush present on his pretty cheekbones. “Let’s start with Jeno,” he suggests, and Jeno nods gratefully, happy that even in new situations like this one, Renjun seems to understand Jeno better than he understands himself. 

Their relationship starts off non-sexual, non-romantic. Jeno would never forgive himself if he ever forced Renjun into doing something that makes him uncomfortable. They’re friends essentially, and soon they find themselves spending most of their free time together. 

Renjun attends fancy dinner parties with Jeno as his date, and in return, is given free access to Jeno’s black card. Renjun is shy about spending at first, buying mostly art supplies and a sweatshirt here and there. Jeno is the one who goes overboard. 

When Renjun was snuggled up in Jeno’s bed working on homework, Jeno noticed his computer was lagging a bit. Jeno had a brand new macbook shipped within an hour. When he walked by a designer boutique, he bought an entire collection because he thought the soft cashmere would look stunning on Renjun’s delicate frame. 

Even now, right before the pair are off to a special dinner for Jeno’s company’s investors, Jeno presents Renjun with a brand new Cartier bracelet. “Think of it as a finishing touch to your outfit,” Jeno winks, as he clasps the bracelet into place. 

Renjun, despite being spoiled by Jeno on a daily basis for the past six months, seems shocked at the gift, and refuses to meet Jeno’s eyes. 

“Do you not like it?” Jeno asks worriedly, fully prepared to take the bracelet back if it isn’t to Renjun’s liking. The smaller boy, shakes his head however, before finally making eye contact with Jeno. 

“It’s just…” Renjun begins, biting his lip gently. “Why me? I am just some uni student you met at a coffee shop. I hardly did anything worthy of this lavish and luxurious lifestyle,” he admits nervously, like he’s scared Jeno will come to the same realization and leave him in the dust. 

Jeno steps forward and links their pinkies. “Because from the moment I first saw you, I knew that I needed to have you in my life. In some capacity or another,” Jeno admits honestly, causing Renjun to blush. “Now let’s get going,” Jeno encourages, tapping his butt gently, “I want to show off my date to everyone.”

-

The dinner goes surprisingly well for the first half of the evening. Jeno interacts with all of the important investors he needs to, chats casually with his co-workers, including Jisung, who shows up in this life as his personal assistant. Most importantly though, Jeno gets to spend the entire night with his hand glued to Renjun’s side, a front row view to how absolutely stunning the boy looks in his custom baby blue Dior tuxedo. 

It isn’t until he steps away to have a private word with Chenle, one of his biggest investors, (who seems more interested in getting his assistant's number than the profitability of Jeno’s company) does things start to turn a little sour. 

Renjun is standing in the corner, sipping on a glass of champagne and minding his own business when he is approached by a sleazy old man. Renjun, recognizing him as one of Jeno’s biggest investors, puts on a polite smile, ready to make whatever polite small talk is required of him to maintain relations. 

“You know,” the man says, getting much too close to Renjun than he is personally comfortable with, “you must be an absolute treasure in bed to have Jeno wrapped around your finger like this,” he grins devilishly. Renjun’s jaw drops to the floor immediately, unsure of how to respond to such crude allegations. 

He doesn’t have to though, because before he knows it Jeno is there swinging directly at the man’s face. The entire room goes silent. 

The man grips the side of his face angrily, spitting at Jeno, “I hope you know you just lost your biggest investor protecting some worthless, gold-digging, whore,” he sneers. 

“Don’t talk about him like that,” Jeno seethes, chest heaving with how absolutely livid he is, “He is worth every penny I spend and every penny I have lost from you. Now get out.” The man stalks out of the ballroom and the rest of the party resumes awkwardly, choosing to gossip and sip cocktails instead of addressing the elephant in the room. 

It isn’t until they are in the car, that Renjun brings it up. “I can’t believe you did that. You lost your biggest investor over me, Jeno. Maybe if you apologize, you could mend relations or something,” he suggests. 

Jeno scoffs at the suggestion. “I don’t want that pig's money, Renjun. Besides, there will be money elsewhere. I just made an incredible deal with Zhong Chenle for more money than that man has ever offered me, and all I had to do was promise him that Jisung would be present for all of our business meetings.”

“Besides, I thought I told you already that you’re worth it all to me. I care about you a lot Renjun. So much more than some rich creep offering to give my company money,” Jeno confesses. 

He doesn’t know what he is expecting from Renjun’s response, but it certainly isn’t for the boy to lunge forward and kiss him square on the mouth. 

They’d been separated for so long, so many lifetimes. And now that Renjun is here in his arms, Jeno is going to spend the rest of this life spoiling the absolute hell out him. 

⚘

The next life, Jeno doesn’t have as much time to look for Renjun. Jeno is on the run. He lives this life as a high ranking government official in-charge of keeping a flash drive secure from enemy hands. 

The flash drive contains the security information of every major politician in the country, including the President. There are a lot of bad people who want the flashdrive, who are tracking him trying to get their hands on the game changing information. 

Jeno’s been on the run for months, not staying in any place for longer than a couple of days. He checks in with the President often, ensuring that he is doing his duty to protect the nation. 

But when dozens of spies and assassins from every major country in the world are after him, it’s only so long before he gets caught. 

It’s in the basement of an abandoned warehouse where he has been squatting, when he finally meets his match. He stares at the end of the barrel of the gun that is pointed at him and locks eyes with Renjun. 

He knows he should be devastated, that his life is coming to an end so quickly, but Jeno is grateful that in this lifetime he was spared at least one interaction with the boy he’s loved for ten, twenty-five, a hundred lifetimes. 

Jaemin stands quietly behind him, and Jeno notes quickly the way both of their necks are scattered with hickeys. He tries not to be too upset that, in yet another lifetime, Jaemin has gotten to Renjun first. 

“I believe I’ve been searching for you, Lee Jeno,” Renjun says, gun trained directly at Jeno’s skull. 

“Would you believe me if I told you that I’ve been looking for you as well, pretty boy?” Jeno smirks back, indulging himself for once in this lifetime. Renjun looks at him confused, not a hint of recognition on his face. Jaemin, however, looks angry. Like he can’t believe their hostage had the audacity to flirt with his lover in front of him. 

Jeno isn’t in pain when Renjun pulls the trigger a minute later. In fact he feels nothing at all, except maybe relief. The flash drive had already been dropped off at a secure location hours prior, away from enemy hands. And Renjun, well he looked as pretty as always, even with his hand on the trigger.

⚘

When Jeno meets Renjun next, he has no plans for vengeance. Well, at least not for Renjun. 

Jeno is one of the most powerful people in all of New York City. He formed his own gang at the tender age of 13, and has built an empire from the ground up. He dabbles in several industries, drugs, prostitution, theft, even arson from time to time. 

Jeno has a higher body count than he could count on both hands, but he faces no consequences. He has enough money to bribe off any cop in the city, and reputation that makes most afraid to mess with him. 

All the men in his neighborhood either work for him or are afraid of him. The women and children greet him cheerfully, knowing he will protect them from any harm that happens in the neighborhood. Jeno isn’t afraid to kill when it has to be done, but he doesn’t kill innocents. 

Huang Renjun’s mother was terrified when Jeno showed up at her door for the first time asking for her son. She thought her son had done something wrong and was about to be killed, until she saw a bouquet of roses in his hand. 

“Hello Ma’am,” Jeno says, polite as ever despite being a revered drug lord, “With your blessing, I would love to take Renjun out on a date sometime.” 

She had her reservations at first, worried about what would happen if her son entered such a dangerous lifestyle. But in this neighborhood, anyone who is in Jeno’s good graces is safer than most. So given her blessing, Jeno and Renjun begin to date. 

-

When they first started dating, Jeno kept it a secret. He was terrified that their relationship would automatically put a target on Renjun’s back. But then someone catcalled Renjun in Jeno’s presence, and Jeno broke the guy’s hand. Since then, he figured people knew better than to lay a finger on his man. 

Not much changes in Jeno’s life. He still goes out and commits heinous acts. Only this time, when he comes home with someone else’s blood on his t-shirt, Renjun is there to strip it off of him and put it in the laundry for him. When Jeno comes back from a heist, high on adrenaline he can’t seem to come down from, Renjun is there to drag him into a heated kiss that leaves him breathless. 

In this life, Jeno is rough around the edges, jagged pieces threatening to cut anyone who comes too close. Renjun is the one who reminds him to be soft. In fact, when Jeno thinks about it, he sort of reminds him of Jaemin. Full of compassion, and love, and desire to help the ones he loves. If there is anything positive about the lives Jaemin stole Renjun from him, it’s definitely that his warm energy has seemed to rub off on the older boy. 

That doesn’t mean Jeno doesn’t still feel some sort of resentment for Jaemin in this life, because he does. Maybe in another lifetime Jeno would be willing to make peace with the person he considers the best friend of all of his lives. But not this lifetime. This lifetime, Jeno is a violent hurricane, operated on spite, vengeance, and a dash of evil. 

Jaemin is a cop in this life. An earnest, do-gooder, who lives a life where he follows the rules and doesn’t hurt anybody. He knows Jeno is bad news, but can’t help but snoop around anyway, more concerned with the greater good than his own safety. 

When Jeno catches him snooping, he offers him a deal. The same cash-only bribery deal that thousands of cops have taken in the past. Jaemin, however, refuses without hesitation. Jeno has no choice but to kill him, pulling the trigger with one hand while the other hand is attached to Renjun by the pinky. 

It’s in this lifetime that Jeno realizes that life has winners and losers. He pulls the trigger because he wants to be a winner this time. 

-

Jeno calls truce with Jaemin mentally when they work together as secret service agents to the President’s son some lives later. They both have spent lifetimes fiercely protecting Renjun, so this job assignment feels like a piece of cake. 

Renjun resents the constant need to be looked after, and doesn’t spare either of them the time of day. He treats both of them like employees only, but the separation allows for Jaemin and Jeno to connect as friends. 

The agents work in shifts, and Jeno and Jaemin are always together. They work seamlessly, with an unspoken bond that has developed strongly across multiple lifetimes. 

They spend their off-days either cycling around the city or playing video games in their underwear. There really is no inbetween. They live the bachelor life together and Jeno enjoys the company while he loves Renjun from afar. 

This seems to be a lifetime where neither Jaemin, nor Jeno get to be with Renjun. This is only confirmed when Renjun gets engaged to the daughter of a political darling, securing his future and public image for when he himself runs for office in the future. 

It breaks Jeno’s heart, but he can’t bring himself to be mad. Because Renjun seems so in love with her that he’s willing to let him go. Throughout this time, Jaemin is noticeably single as well. Jeno brings it up one night, when they both have the night off and are nursing beers and playing darts. 

“Have you ever thought about finding someone and settling down? Or are you content being the country’s most eligible bachelor?” Jeno asks, mouth loose from the alcohol. 

Jaemin looks sad for a second, before his expression turns contemplative. “I’m not the type to date someone who I don’t love with my whole heart. If I’m not with my soulmate, then I don’t want to be with anyone,” he admits. 

Jeno’s breath hitches, because that is exactly how he feels. But he isn’t surprised, Jaemin has always been a romantic, no matter what lifetime they meet in. If only Jaemin knew about their previous encounters, Jeno could tease him about all the embarrassing things he has done for love in Jeno’s presence. 

“Do you think you’ll find your soulmate eventually? Or have you given up,” Jeno asks inquisitively. Jaemin smirks, mouth stretching into a megawatt smile. 

“I’ll let love come to me. Until then, you’re stuck with me Jeno,” he laughs, before turning back to their game, and the conversation gets dropped for the rest of the night. 

They spend this lifetime always there for each other, repairing a hole in Jeno’s heart after his best friend murdered him and vice versa. Jeno thinks that in other circumstances, ones where his soul isn’t bound to Renjun’s, he might fall in love with his best friend instead. 

But really, both of them are meant to take care of Renjun, in every way that the smaller boy allows them to be there for him. And for this lifetime, that’s enough for Jeno. 

⚘

The next time Jeno comes across Renjun, it’s in a seedy club and he is swaying his hips drunkenly on a dance floor. Like always, Jeno is immediately captivated. 

Light from the disco ball reflects off of Renjun’s cheekbones, making him look like a creature of the night. Jeno downs his drink and joins him on the dancefloor immediately. He locks eyes with Renjun as soon as he comes near, and to his surprise, Renjun tugs Jeno against him. 

They dance, pressed against each other, sweat making their shirts stick to their skin. The beat of the song playing is dirty and sexual, and Renjun moves his hips accordingly, while Jeno struggles to keep up. 

This Renjun is a spit fire. 

When a particularly filthy song finishes playing, Renjun pulls away, before tilting his head towards the bathroom. Jeno follows like a lost puppy, ready for whatever Renjun has in store for him. Which turns out to be drugs.

Renjun locks the door behind them, before heading to the counter and emptying a bag of white powder on to it. He removes a thin razer blade from his back pocket and divides the powder into lines, before turning and looking at Jeno expectantly. 

Jeno has never tried any drugs in any of the lifetimes he has lived, even the one where he was an infamous gang leader and drug lord. He never wanted to fall into a life of temporary highs that would distract him from his goals (finding Renjun, loving Renjun, taking care of Renjun), but Jeno is willing to make an exception if it means Renjun will stay close to him for the night. 

The two of them each snort a line, and Jeno is unimpressed by the anti-climatic aftershock of snorting his first line of cocaine. “You do this often?” he asks Renjun, interested to know more about the boy. He hopes this Renjun isn’t a drug addict, but he knows he’ll love him just the same regardless. 

“Only when I want to spice up a night out. The other week I spent 20,000 just to leave it on a coat rack. When I went back to it, someone had already knicked it,” Renjun replies easily. 

“20,000 as is 20,000 dollars?” Jeno asks incredulously. He can’t imagine having that much money, let alone spending it on drugs. “What do you do for a living?”

Renjun laughs at the response, “I am an investor. I see things I like and I spent a lot of money and hope that it makes me rich. It’s my approach when going out too. I find the prettiest boy in the entire club, spent money on him, and hope he’ll make my night special,” he says flirtatiously, winking at Jeno. 

“D-do you think I-I’m pretty?” Jeno asks nervously, hoping more than anything for Renjun to assure him. And he does, immediately. “The prettiest,” Renjun murmurs, stepping closer before pulling Jeno into a kiss. That’s when the high hits him. 

Jeno knows from past lifetimes that kissing Renjun is its own kind of euphoric. But kissing Renjun while high on the most expensive cocaine money can buy adds a whole new sensation to the mix.

They kiss in the dingy club bathroom for as long as it takes for someone to start banging on the door. Renjun pulls away giggly and breathless before pulling Jeno out of the room and back onto the dance floor. 

This time, when Renjun moves against him, he feels it tingling throughout every cell in his body. Jeno feels like he is on fire in the best possible way, and he gets lost in the frenzy that is Huang Renjun, investor and casual drug user. 

The high doesn’t last very long, an hour at most. Renjun must feel the come down as well, because he suggests they leave and go get some food. He ends up taking Jeno to Mcdonalds. 

“You have enough money to spend $20k on drugs, but want to eat at _Mcdonalds_?” Jeno snarks, amazed at how this Renjun seems to surprise him at every turn. 

“I just met you, Jeno. I’m not going to buy you a fucking gormet meal just because I want to sleep with you,” Renjun replies easily. The banter between them is so casual, and they find anything to talk about ranging from what Jeno does for a living (he’s a makeup artist) to how many chicken nuggets Renjun can eat (he claims 20 but only manages to get down 12 before he taps out).

“So uhh…” Renjun asks, face confident but voice wavering just slightly. “Do you live close to here?” question loaded in its wording. Jeno replies with his location, and Renjun walks him home. 

When they get to Jeno’s door, he doesn’t hesitate before he pulls the smaller boy in and slams him against the door, kissing him roughly. They both knew from the moment they locked eyes that this is where their night would eventually lead them. 

“Kissing you is like a drug in and of itself,” Jeno pants against Renjun’s mouth as he picks him up and carries him towards the bedroom. 

“That’s why I made you sober up first. First of all, consent is sexy, and second of all, I don’t need drugs to take you to paradise, baby,” Renjun offers before diving back in for another passionate kiss. 

And Jeno has to admit, Renjun wasn’t lying. Their night together is full of more euphoria than Jeno felt from the cocaine, even at the peak of his high, and Jeno knows he won’t have to turn to drugs after this to know what heaven feel like. 

As Jeno closes his eyes, chest full of hickies, armful of Renjun, and a pinky latched tightly to his own, he thinks he could get used to this. He goes to bed satsified, and ready to get up early to make Renjun pancakes for breakfast. 

He wakes up alone. He never finds him again this lifetime. 

⚘

For what feels like the 40th lifetime, Jeno and Jaemin are roommates again. They get matched together randomly by their university and Jeno feels lucky. Jaemin is always a better roommate than the ones he had in the past: Chenle (too loud), Donghyuck (doesn’t understand the concept of personal space), Yukhei (too handsome...made Jeno insecure). 

They work together seamlessly, despite being so different from each other. Jeno is an architecture student, and Jaemin studies theater. They shouldn’t work, but they do. They know each other so well, that it comes as a shock when Jaemin announces to him one day that he is going to meet his boyfriend. 

Jeno’s stomach drops, both because Jaemin never told him that he had a boyfriend and also because statistically there is a very high probability that his boyfriend is Renjun. 

His assumptions turn out to be true. 

Renjun is a vocal performance and composition double major. He composed a song for Jaemin to sing in his upcoming play, and they got close while working together. That’s why Jeno had never heard of Renjun from Jaemin, he classified their dates as “hanging out with the theater kids.”

The three of them start hanging out a lot after that. Jeno helps Jaemin go over his lines and does Renjun’s math homework for him. Jaemin makes sure both of them are well fed, and Renjun keeps Jaemin from singing too much and straining his voice, and Jeno from studying too much and straining his eyes. 

This is the happiest lifetime Jeno has had in a long time, getting to be so close with the both of them again. It kind of reminds him of the very first life they lived together, in the orphanage acting as each other’s family. Only in this life, Jaemin and Renjun are in love and Jeno is on his own. 

Jeno suppresses his emotions a lot. Sometimes Renjun looks at him funny, like he can tell something is wrong, but Jeno tries to reassure them that he is happy. He doesn’t want them (either Jaemin or Renjun) to feel even an ounce of sadness. So he lives his life as if he doesn’t have a burning hole in his chest. 

-

One day, Jeno is sitting on his bed, refusing to do any homework after just failing a psychology midterm. He is extra bitter given that this is a general course and unrelated to his major. His plans for the night include staring at a wall for hours while he dissociates, and ordering pizza at 2am while crying about his life. 

Jaemin interrupts him in the middle of task one by barging into their shared room after a long day of play rehearsals. Jeno’s jaw drops at the sight in front of him. Jaemin’s hair is _pink_. And it looks _so fucking good_. 

“What the fuck?” is all Jeno can muster, still flustered by Jaemin looking so ridiculously hot in front of him. This is the first time in all of his lifetimes that he has felt so attracted to someone that isn’t Renjun, and he honestly doesn’t know what to do with himself. 

“It’s for the play, Grease remember? I’m playing Frenchie who goes to beauty school but isn’t good at it. I thought the pink would look silly for the role and enhance my character,” Jaemin giggles, plopping down onto his bed, facing Jeno as he rests his chin in his hand.

“It doesn’t look silly,” Jeno blurts, immediately regretting his outburst. Especially because _both of them_ are in love with Renjun. Jaemin, however, takes it in stride. “Thanks man, I hope my castmates like it. We have our MT this weekend and I want to surprise them.” Jeno doesn’t have the courage to respond without drooling, so he pretends to sleep until he actually passes out, plans of late night pizza long forgotten. 

-

Having Jaemin gone for the weekend would be lonely, if Renjun wasn’t over at their dorm constantly to make Jeno tutor him before his calc midterm that is coming up next week. They both get incredibly frustrated. Renjun is mad at himself for not understanding and Jeno is mad at himself for not being a good teacher, and by 10pm, they decide to just give up and hit the bars. 

They both get monstrously drunk, letting off all of the steam after a contentious study session. They go bar hopping, matching each other shot for shot. They head back to Jeno’s dorm at 2am with plans on playing truth or dare, because drunk them thinks that is a fantastic idea. (Spoiler Alert: It’s not!)

The dares start off innocently enough. (“Lick my foot.” “Ew Jeno, that’s disgusting. Find someone else to indulge you in your foot fetish.”) It all hits a brick wall when Renjun, drunk and not thinking straight, dares Jeno to kiss him. And Jeno complies. 

They kiss for what feels like hours, only stopping when Jeno pushes Renjun against a bed. Jaemin’s bed. 

Renjun pulls away, regret filling his eyes recently. “We shouldn’t do this. Oh my god, we shouldn’t be doing this. I need to leave,” he panics, getting up frantically and walking towards the door. Jeno can’t reason with him, and before he knows it he is alone in the dorm. 

-

When Jaemin comes back Sunday night, Jeno feels so guilty that he doesn’t even look up to greet him. Jaemin’s silence, is also damning. The pink haired boy breaks it to state simply, “Renjun told me what happened.” 

Jeno swallows thickly before looking up at his best friend. He regrets it immediately when he sees the hurt across his features. Jeno has no choice but to confirm it. 

“Look man, we were drunk and I don’t even think it meant anything to him,” Jeno tries to explain, before Jaemin cuts him off. 

“Well it meant something to me!” he yells back, before muttering under his breath, “I’m so sick of you taking him from me.” 

Jeno’s entire body goes numb. What does Jaemin mean by that? Does he remember these lives too? When his voice gains courage, he asks him to elaborate. 

Jaemin, clearly shocked that something he muttered under his breath privately was heard, tries to backtrack panicky, and come up with a rational explanation. Jeno, however, is not letting this go. 

“Jaemin…” he begins softly, terrified to voice his experiences for the first time, “Do you remember?” 

Jaemin understands what he is saying immediately, can read Jeno’s face perfectly. With tears streaming down his face, he nods, just barely. “All of it. Since the orphanage.” That’s all it takes for Jeno to burst into tears. 

They’ve lived a lot of lives together, both good and bad, and it feels to raw to be in the presence of someone who has met so many versions of him. They talk everything out, and for a second Jeno thinks everything is going to be okay. Until Jaemin clarifies. 

“Just so you know, in every lifetime I live, Renjun is my priority. I don’t care who I have to stomp on to get to him as long as I get to be in his life. This includes you. I know you love him, but I will never stop fighting for him,” Jaemin growls. And just like that, the rivalry becomes official. 

⚘

They all meet again shortly after in another life at the Olympic games. Jeno is an Ice Hockey player, and Jaemin is a speed skater, both Representing South Korea. Renjun is an Ice Dancer from China and both of them go to ridiculous measures to try to impress him. 

They meet through Jisung, who is a mutual friend of both Jaemin and Jeno. The two of them are not friends per se, but are friendly enough when they meet each other. When Jisung invites them to have lunch with him at Olympic Village with some of his Chinese friends, they both agree, not thinking much of it. 

When they get there, Chenle, who is a close friend of Jisung, and Renjun who is Chenle’s cousin, are both sitting there waiting for them. That’s when things become not so friendly. 

Jeno tries to snag the seat next to Renjun, but Jaemin beats him to it. In true Jaemin fashion, he spends the entire time flirting with him. And Renjun, to Jeno’s dismay, seems to be flirting back. 

“You have such a pretty smile,” Renjun remarks casually, digging into his quinoa salad and munching happily on a carrot. Jaemin has the audacity to smirk. 

“Thank you. And my teeth are actually real,” Jaemin sneers, a pointed dig at Jeno who has lost a dozen of his teeth to the sport he loves. The dinner continues with Jaemin and Jeno casually insulting each other, Chenle and Renjun none the wiser that this isn’t their usual dynamic. Jisung, however, is horrified. 

“What the fuck?” he remarks when they separate from their new Chinese friends. “I didn’t know you guys actually hated each other. Why didn’t you tell me?” he asks incredulously. 

“Oh Jisung,” Jaemin says in a baby voice that he reserves only for Jisung, “Me and Jeno have a long, long, history together. You wouldn’t understand, baby.” Jisung just sighs deeply, wondering what he had gotten himself into when he qualified for the Winter Olympics. 

-

Jeno and Jaemin have different approaches when it comes to Renjun. Jaemin flirts shamelessly and fearlessly, always complimenting the boy on his skating, his looks, and his sweet personality. Jeno on the other hand is much more reserved. 

Jeno in this life is not as brazen as he was in others, finding confidence only when he is on the ice rink. He tries to impress Renjun by being incredibly kind to him, going above and beyond to treat him like the prince he is. Renjun responds well to both of them. 

They run into each other when Renjun is coming back from practice, and Jeno immediately goes to carry the boy’s duffle bag. Renjun, with tired eyes, thanks him kindly, reaching for his arm and giving it a gentle squeeze. 

The next day, they meet for lunch and Jaemin pays for Renjun’s meal, earning a kiss on the cheek from the older boy. Jeno practically seethes with jealousy. It’s getting really old losing to Na Jaemin. Especially when the boy plays dirty. 

Jaemin runs into Chenle and Renjun and makes plans to get lunch together as a group like on the first day. Jaemin conveniently forgets to invite Jeno. He plans another outing, this time right in the middle of Jeno’s team’s hockey practice. 

Jeno is torn. He’s at the _freaking_ Olympics, something he worked his entire life for. But he also feels absolutely desperate to win Renjun’s heart, the pain of not being with him like an aching hole in his heart. He doesn’t know where to focus his energy, and the pressure builds rapidly within him. 

Jeno is able to compartmentalize it all, until they get to the most important game of his entire career. His team had done well, and now they are competing for bronze. He will either walk away from this game an Olympic medalist, or he will go home a loser. 

When Jaemin and Renjun walk into the arena together to watch Jeno’s game, Jeno’s mind immediately goes fuzzy. And for the first time in his life, he has trouble focusing on hockey. He gets the puck stolen from him several times, until he’s pulled out of the game entirely and replaced by a much less talented forward. 

He’s frustrated with everything. How he isn’t good enough for Renjun, isn’t good enough to win a hockey game, isn’t enough for Jaemin to treat him with respect.

Korean loses to Canada 3-2. 

Renjun rushes from the stands, towards the ice, and for a split second, Jeno thinks he is coming for him. What he is not expecting is for Renjun to leap into the arms of the Canadian captain Mark Lee, pulling him in for a kiss. 

In this life, Jeno loses out on a medal and a boyfriend to Mark Lee. At least Jaemin doesn’t get the satisfaction either. 

⚘

Jeno is much more confident in the next life. He’s smart, well-liked, and the best doctor in the entire city. He wasn’t actively looking for Renjun this time, instead focusing on self love and self improvement. Jeno decides he will wait for the universe to bring them together this time. 

And when it does, he desperately wishes it were under different circumstances. When Jeno is told he is going to be working with a terminally ill patient, he shudders at the thought. These are always the worst cases to deal with, and it never gets easier. Helping patients when there is no future for them because the hope of a miracle is the only thing keeping their spirits up is emotionally exhausting. 

When he walks into his office and sees Renjun and Jaemin sitting in front of him, his heart stops. The thought of either of them dying under these circumstances makes it even harder for Jeno to do his job. 

“H-hello,” Jeno croaks, voice wavering with a tint of emotion, “My name is Dr. Lee, which one of you is my patient?” All of the blood drains from his face when Renjun raises his hand shyly. 

“My name is Huang Renjun, Dr. Lee. I hope you don’t mind, but I bought my best friend Jaemin with me. This is all kind of overwhelming for me, and I kind of want the extra support,” he says, voice small but firm.

Jeno locks eyes with Jaemin for the first time since he entered the room, and sees nothing but devastation in his wide, watery eyes. Jeno finds himself nodding immediately, reassuring them both that it is fine. Jaemin may have been a brat the last time they saw each other, but Jeno isn’t vindictive by nature. 

They spend some time going over different treatment plans, and Jeno answers any questions the two have about Renjun’s illness. Once their meeting is over and a plan is in place, Jaemin surprises them both by asking to speak to Jeno in private. 

With some convincing from both Jaemin and Jeno that everything is fine, Renjun thanks Jeno and quietly exits, telling Jaemin he will meet him in the lobby. 

“Listen Jeno,” Jaemin says the moment that Renjun is out the door. “I know I was kind of a dick to you last time. Especially because I still wasn’t over you kissing my boyfriend. But I promise I’ll back off. You can have him this time, just please save me,” Jaemin pleads in desperation. 

Jeno thinks it over for a second, before shaking his head gently. This life and this job has healed his aching heart in a way that has made him more compassionate and forgiving. He knows what he has to do. 

“No, Jaemin,” Jeno replies, reaching out to hold onto the boys hand. “I’m calling a truce. I’ll do my best to save him regardless. Circumstances are different right now. I am not going to pursue Renjun right now. If you want to, that’s your choice and I’m not going to stop you. Right now my priority is saving him. 

Jaemin bursts into tears, not expecting the response. Jeno immediately gets up and pulls Jaemin into an embrace, and let’s him cry on his shoulder. 

“We’ll take care of him,” Jeno promises. “We always do.” Jaemin nods, comforted in the knowledge that Jeno will be there to help relieve some of the emotional burden. 

Renjun dies three years later, much longer than his original prognosis. Jeno and Jaemin are by his side, like the very first life they spent together. 

Jaemin and Jeno shake hands and go their separate ways, the reminder of the love they have just lost too great to deal with this time. 

⚘

Jeno and Jaemin meet again at a search party. A local boy has gotten lost in the woods, and the surrounding town sets out to find him. The missing boy? Huang Renjun. 

Jaemin smirks when he sees Jeno, ready for some more friendly competition. The last time someone heard from Renjun was a few hours ago when he called for help, and they both know the two of them will compete to be the one to rescue him and take him home. 

“Should we make a bet?” Jaemin asks as he approaches Jeno. “The one who finds him is the one that gets to date him this time?” Jeno rolls his eyes, already walking towards the woods. 

“Why would I agree to that when I know that you’re going to pursue Renjun regardless of which one of us finds him first?” Jeno replies, well versed in Jaemin and his antics. He knows the boy well, and he would never give up on something he is passionate about (his number one passion being Huang Renjun.) 

Knowing that the competition is useless, and that they risk getting lost themselves, they set out into the woods together. They start by updating each other on their lives, and their banter quickly turns to mindless bickering. No matter how many lifetimes Jeno and Jaemin have been separated, they always turn into an old married couple the second they are reunited. Some things never change no matter the universe. 

Jaemin is teasing Jeno for his current haircut, an unfortunate bowl cut that reminds him of several college experiences they’ve had, when Jeno stops dead in his tracks. 

In front of them lies a body he’d recognize anywhere, in any lifetime. And Jeno can see from where he is standing, can feel it in his very soul, that the body is dead. 

He collapses to the ground, chest heaving with sobs as he struggles to breathe. Jaemin, the calmer of the two, approaches the body to confirm what they both already know. When he finds no pulse, he yells for help. 

Members of the search party come immediately, horrified at the sight in front of them. Within half an hour, Renjun’s body is removed, and Jaemin is dragging Jeno out of the woods, silently crying himself. 

Jaemin expects Jeno will want some comfort, a shoulder to cry on after the shock that the two have experienced. Jeno, however, brushes him off, instead walking away with a barely audible goodbye. Jaemin refuses to let him go, especially in the state he is in, so he follows him. All the way to a bridge. 

“Jeno don’t even think about it!” Jaemin scolds. Jeno stares expressionless at the water beneath him, and Jaemin is so horrified that any second the boy will jump. He doesn’t know how he would cope with losing both of them back to back. 

“Why not?” Jeno questions. “You’ve done it before,” he reminds him. And it’s true. After Renjun died the very first time, Jaemin couldn’t cope with the loss and he took his own life. To this day, he regrets it, and he vows to not let Jeno make the same mistake he did. 

Jaemin steps forward cautiously, afraid that any sudden movement will make Jeno act impulsively and do something he can’t take back. “You’re right, Jeno. And I regret it to this day. He may be gone, but there is still so much life to live anyway. Don’t give up on this, don’t give up on _me_.” he pleads. 

When Jeno finally looks at him, it’s with more desolation than he has ever seen. “It’s been so long, Jaemin. So long since he’s been mine. I don’t know how to carry along this grief any longer. I don’t know how I am supposed to go on life after life living like this. It never gets easier,” Jeno confesses, voice raw and aching. 

“I’ve been there Jeno. I once went 8 lifetimes without being with Renjun. 5 of those I never even met him. But I promise it gets easier. I promise that right when you’re ready to give up, the universe gives you a second chance. Let’s live this life together, Jeno. Let’s grieve and heal together. Please,” Jaemin begs. 

The speech is not long, nor is it profound. But it’s enough for Jeno to step away from the bridge and into Jaemin’s arms. He allows the younger boy to take him home, and wrap him in a blanket, safe from the outside world. 

-

For awhile, Jaemin is afraid to let Jeno be alone (understandably). After months of spending most of their time together, it only makes sense for them to move in together. Everything falls into place after that. 

They grieve together, deeply and often. Not just for this Renjun, but all of the Renjuns they have loved and lost. Sometimes Jaemin spends too long in the bathroom, and when he comes out his eyes are red, tears still drying on his cheeks. Other times Jeno will wake up in the middle of the night with a nightmare, seeing Renjun’s lifeless body over and over again. Still, they adapt. 

Over time, certain lines seem to become blurred. They start sharing a bed because Jeno’s nightmares cause them to end up together most nights anyways. They hold hands when they go out in public because Jaemin’s hands get cold easily. Before they know it, they find themselves so incredibly intertwined that they couldn’t possibly untangle themselves if they tried. 

It hits Jeno suddenly. There is no gradual build-up, the realization coming all at once. All it took was Jaemin coming home with a bottle of Jeno’s favorite wine in hand, a giant smile gracing his face. He looks so beautiful in that moment that Jeno can’t help but reach over and pull Jaemin into a passionate kiss. 

Jaemin kisses back for a second, pressing against Jeno harder. It’s only when he realizes Jeno is kissing gently and lovingly that he pulls away in confusion. 

“I think I’m in love with you,” Jeno blurts out. He wasn’t planning on confessing, had barely realized it himself, but he thinks it was a long time coming. He thinks he’s been unknowingly loving Jaemin for many lifetimes, maybe since the beginning. 

Jaemin looks shocked to say the least, clearly not expecting those words to come from Jeno’s mouth in a way that wasn’t obviously platonic. “W-what about Renjun?” he asks quietly, voice barely above a whisper. 

“Of course I still love him too,” Jeno replies without hesitation, because it’s true and obvious that Jeno will always love the smaller boy in any and every circumstance. “But I also love you. And I wanted you to know,” he says simply. 

“I need some time,” is Jaemin’s only response, and he walks away quickly, leaving their shared home as quickly as he came. 

As Jeno hears the sound of Jaemin pulling out of their driveway the gravity of how royally he fucked up hits him. He’s already lost Renjun in this life, and now, because of his own stupidity, he is going to lose Jaemin as well. The thought nearly kills him. 

It was a dumb idea, anyway. Jaemin had already told him when they were secret service agents for Renjun that he would never love anyone who wasn’t his soulmate. Jaemin believed Renjun was that soulmate, not Jeno. 

It’s painful to think about. Loving someone who couldn’t possibly love you back is a special kind of loneliness. Every life has taught Jeno lessons. He thinks this one might be that sometimes, you can’t always get what you want. He falls asleep on the couch with a heavy heart and not much hope for what is to come. 

-

When he comes to, it’s because a figure is standing over him, shaking his shoulder gently. It’s Jaemin in front of him, hair disheveled and eyes visibly red from crying. One quick glance at the clock tells him that it is nearly 3am, and Jaemin has been gone for 12 hours. 

“We need to talk,” Jaemin croaks, and Jeno prepares himself for imminent rejection. “Jeno, I’ve realized so much in the past 12 hours, and I’m honestly so overwhelmed,” he continues, red from crying. 

“Jeno, we’ve been wrong this entire time.”

Jeno sits up blinking, unsure of what Jaemin is trying to tell him. This isn’t the rejection he was expecting, but it isn’t a confession either. He urges Jaemin to continue. 

“All this time we’ve been competing against each other, trying to win Renjun’s love. We were so focused on that that we didn’t realize what the universe truly wants. That’s why so many things go wrong in these lives. Because the universe isn’t in balance,” Jaemin explains hurriedly, and Jeno still can’t make out what Jaemin is explaining. 

“What does the universe want, Jaemin?” Jeno asks nervously. 

“For us to be together. All of us. We aren’t supposed to be fighting over Renjun, Jeno. The three of us, we’re fated by the universe,” Jaemin reveals, and it’s like the final puzzle piece being put in its place. 

“That’s why it’s always the three of us. Others show up from time to time, but we’re all almost always there no matter what,” Jeno wonders out loud. He feels stupid. So incredibly stupid for not realizing what was right in front of his eyes. But also grateful that he has come partially home, to a soul that has been destined for him. 

They spend the rest of the night wrapped around each other, discussing everything, regrets, hopes, dreams, fears. They talk until the sun rises, and they hear the neighborhood children walking to school. 

They promise each other two things. Promise #1. They will spend this life together, happily and in love. They will use this time to connect as lovers in a way they’ve only done with Renjun. This lifetime is special, they’re _finally_ giving their hearts to each other after so long. 

Promise #2. In the next life they will find each other and find Renjun. They will do whatever it takes to bring the three of them together, exactly as the universe intended. 

⚘

When Jeno joins SM Entertainment, he hoped that on his first day he will meet one of his favorite K-pop idols. To his surprise, he meets Jaemin instead. 

They take it as a sign from the universe that things are going to work out. The fact that the two of them joined the company on the same day seems nothing short of divine intervention. It motivates them to work harder. 

They practice dancing, singing, rapping, variety, languages, everything with one goal in mind. To debut. And then to become global superstars. They think they’ve figured it out, outsmarted the universe. They are meant to become very famous, and that is how Renjun will find them. By becoming their fan. 

-

It’s just another day at practice when they are proven wrong. Jeno is alone in a practice room going over some dance moves when Donghyuck barges in interrupting him without a care. 

“Guess what!” he exclaims, loud and boisterous in a way that is so endearingly Donghyuck. Jeno likes the lives where Donghyuck gets to be his best friend. “There is a new Chinese trainee who is our age! We might even debut with him!” he screeches, smile wide across his face. 

Jeno nods along, not paying too much attention. Trainees come and go often in this industry; all he really cares about is that Jaemin and him are both still here. 

“At least try to look interested, Jeno,” Donghyuck whines. “He is exactly one month older than you. That’s kind of cool, right?” he prods trying to get a reaction out of him. 

Jeno’s jaw drops. In every life he has lived, Renjun has been exactly one month older than him. He rushes out of the room, ignoring Donghyuck’s confused calls. He has to find Jaemin and tell him. 

He doesn’t have to look hard though, because he runs into him as soon as he enters the hallway. Jaemin has the biggest smile on his face, before announcing, “Guess who I just met on the basement staircase.”

Jeno pulls him into a hug as they smile wider than they probably ever had. “We found him,” Jeno mutters into Jaemin’s neck, voice thick with happiness. 

“We did. Now let’s make him ours.”

-

Jaemin’s proclamation is easier said than done. Renjun practices with the Chinese trainees, and Jaemin and Jeno practice with Donghyuck, Mark, and Jisung. One time Jaemin and Renjun have a day-off at the same time, and the two travel to Garuso-gil together. That’s the only interaction either of them have. Jeno is a little jealous, but Jaemin reassures him that they’re in this together. 

Things start looking up when they get the announcement that they’re debuting in NCT Dream. All three of them are debuting together, and Jeno knows that they will have no choice but to become close with Renjun. 

-

Renjun gets close to every single member before he gets close to Jeno. It feels increasingly frustrating knowing that they aren’t able to connect right away, especially when Jaemin and Renjun become so close. They’ve only just debuted, however, and busy schedules leave them without much chance for deep conversations. All in all, Jeno still has hope. That is, until Jaemin gets hurt. 

Jaemin takes initiative, brings them together in a way that Jeno and Renjun need given their shy nature. Jeno doesn’t know how he is going to survive Jaemin’s absence, having gotten so used to him holding his hand through every step of the way. Jaemin assures him that everything will be okay, begs him to keep trying and to have hope. 

It isn’t until Jeno catches Renjun crying alone in a practice room after a rough dance rehearsal, that he decides to really put effort into building their relationship. 

“Why are you crying?” Jeno asks tentatively, approaching him like he is a wounded animal. Renjun looks up at him slowly, taking in his appearance for a moment before responding, “Because I am still in pain and it’s okay to feel sad sometimes.” Jeno stares at him dumbfounded, before replying, “I’ll leave you to it then,” and bolting. 

Jeno finds his own practice room to burst into tears in. Because those words are the exact same words that Renjun told Jeno when they were children in their very first life together. And the memory makes him miss Renjun _so fucking much_. The boy he loves and misses is right in front of him, and if he doesn’t start putting in the work to get close to him, he might miss the opportunity to love and be loved by him again. So Jeno begins to initiate.

It’s awkward at first, and their progress is incredibly slow. Jeno initiates all of their interactions at first, before Renjun finally opens up to him. It turns out, Renjun was intimidated by Jeno, had never given him a chance to show him his gentle heart. Now that they know each other a little better, Renjun sees what a kind, compassionate person he can be. 

By the time Jaemin comes back, Renjun and Jeno are closer than ever. He was worried about integrating back into the group, but they all treat him like he never left. It’s at this time that the three of them start spending a lot of time together. 

They cook (well Renjun and Jaemin cook while Jeno watches), they play games (well Jeno and Jaemin play games while Renjun watches), they participate in Donghyuck’s schemes (well Renjun and Jeno participate in Donghyuck’s schemes while Jaemin watches), and spend more nights than they can count talking about everything with the lights off, snuggled up under a mountain of blankets. 

Three years after debut, they solidify themselves as a trio, recognizable to anyone who interacts with them. But there is still something missing. Renjun still isn’t technically _theirs_. And Jaemin and Jeno won’t do anything with each other until Renjun comes back to them, no matter how tempting the thought of forgoing vocal practice to makeout on the rooftop may be. 

There is no reason to think that tonight is any different, that their routine of snuggling together and talking about their feelings would lead to some revelation. But everything changes in the blink of an eye. 

Jeno, having missed the feeling of Renjun’s pinky linked with his, reaches for the smaller boy’s hand and attaches himself to Renjun in the most familiar way to him. Jaemin, feeling left out, reaches for Renjun’s other hand and intertwines their fingers. 

Renjun giggles, rolling his eyes. “I swear I always have one of you guys hanging onto me. Jeno with the pinky and Jaemin with the hands. You’re lucky I put up with you two,” he laughs. 

Jeno and Jaemin look at each other in shock, both knowing that they’ve never shared these intimate touches with Renjun in this lifetime. In confusion, they turn to Renjun who promptly passes out. Jeno rushes to turn the lights on so they can examine him properly, but he is already awake again by the time Jeno makes it back to the bed. 

“Renjun, sweetie, are you okay?” Jaemin asks worriedly, ready to call their manager or the hospital or something. 

Renjun just sits up incredulously, whispering in awe “You guys did it. You came back to me.” Jaemin and Jeno know what he is talking about immediately, and the revelation causes their hearts to nearly stop.

“We promised we would,” Jeno replies, choked up. “It’s a promise we’ll always keep.”

Completely overwhelmed by their memories, they all get emotional and shed tears as the reminisce about everything they have gone through together after many lifetimes. 

(“I’m sorry I killed you guys,” Renjun apologizes at one point. “Technically I killed Jaemin,” Jeno interrupts. “No, actually, I killed Jaemin again in another life,” Renjun clarifies).

Luckily there are no hard feelings, only love and hope, and the promise that this life together will be the best one yet. 

“Renjun,” Jaemin begins tentatively, “You’ll be ours again in this lifetime, right?”

“Both of ours,” Jeno clarifies. “As in all of us together, the way it was always meant to be.”

Renjun reaches out, intertwining pinkies with Jeno and hands with Jaemin. “Of course,” he agrees, a shy smile on his face. “We are all fated, after all.”

**Author's Note:**

> title from lover by taylor swift. also the club scene is inspired by blow it all by kim petras. 
> 
> this fic is literally the meme thats like "no need to fight over renjun...renjun has TWO hands"
> 
> any guesses as to who i might be??? 
> 
> please leave comments/feedback that you have, i'd love to hear your opinions.
> 
> [my twitter](https://twitter.com/lefargenjeno)
> 
> [my cc](https://curiouscat.me/lefargen)


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